USA! USA! USA! This week's "Dude of the Week" is none other than American hero Jack Hughes. On Sunday, Hughes was able to score the game-winning goal against those sissies up North to secure the gold medal for Team USA. The USA has not won gold in men's hockey since the "Miracle on Ice" in 1980. This has been such a fun celebration tour to watch the boys on. Jack Hughes has cemented himself as "Captain USA." First, he takes Canada’s girl (Tate McRae), and then he rips their hearts out and steals gold. We also had an insane performance from USA’s goalie, Connor Hellebuyck, who just absolutely stood on his head. Altogether, this team was special and proved to the world that USA Hockey is a real contender moving forward. SUCK IT, CANADA!

- Carter

USA HOCKEY — 2/2 ON GOLD MEDALS

HOLY SHIT!!! What a time to be alive. This past week, we were lucky enough to witness two USA Hockey gold medals.

The women’s team scored with two minutes left to tie the game, and then Megan Keller brought home gold with one of the sickest goals I have ever seen in my life — talk about a highlight-reel, all-star moment.

Following that, the men’s team had to knock off Canada in the gold medal game at 7 a.m. on Sunday morning. Yes, the beers were flowing at 6:45 a.m., and the game that followed was nothing short of extraordinary. Matthew Boldy made two of the best defensemen in the league look like fucking traffic cones as he split them and buried one to make it 1–0 early in the game.

After that, Canada absolutely dominated us in the second and third periods, but Connor Hellebuyck kept the Americans in it and got us to overtime. From there, it’s all history. Jack Hughes scores the golden goal, sends Canada packing, and the whole team parties like rockstars. Also, not to mention, one of my buddies had the best angle in the entire world of the golden goal:

This is the most special and impactful sporting event win I have ever witnessed in my entire life. As Jack Hughes said, “I’m so proud to be American.”

- Chuck

Last week, the first spring training games took place in Arizona. First off, this just reminds us all of how long this season is. These guys on good teams really play like nine months of the year. Now, I do not feel bad because baseball money is insane, but it is a testament to any team that wins the World Series.

That being said, if the Dodgers win again this year, I will be pretty mad. I just hope everyone really enjoys this last year of baseball before the inevitable lockout in 2027. I just hope this year is as entertaining as last year's season. The obvious front-runners again are the Dodgers and Yankees, but baseball could do with a new champion.

I would love to see a smaller-market team show the world that even though the Dodgers have spent like a trillion dollars in the last two years, it is still anyone’s league to win. This is also a friendly reminder to everyone about how awesome it is to drink at a baseball game. Winter is soon coming to an end and the diamond is soon to be back in full force at least until mid-season, when most people check out besides for their own team.

- Carter

Bonnie Blue has announced that she is pregnant, news that comes shortly after she revealed she had been intimate with 400 men without protection. She is now reportedly collecting DNA samples to determine the father.

Lord have mercy on that baby.

- Jack